Tip of the week

As follow-up to the ‘ten steps to tyranny’ programme outlined in the previous edition of this publication, your ever-willing author hopes to bring periodical updates that will assist those aspiring dictators hoping to speed their ascent to despotism.

I’m starting the series with a suggestion that has a sure-fire guarantee of efficacy. It goes as follows: if any constituencies have had the impudence to elect, by fair and democratic means (heaven forbid!), an opposition MP, then you should be sure to tell them, on your next visit there, that they’ll get a smaller portion of the national cake as punishment. The principle is, “if people won’t vote for me because they like me, then they’ll vote for me because otherwise I’ll make sure they starve”. Don’t worry about seeming like a five year old (“you didn’t choose me so I’m not sharing my Wine Gums with you”), because the desired effect will come about hastily.

And by the way, as you tick off these ethically bereft actions, don’t worry about what your donor government friends over in Europe and America might think. Their love is unconditional, provided you’re not a communist or Muslim. In fact, if you’re lucky, they might even let you host the Queen of England and all the Commonwealth Heads of Government, even when they know that you’ve just bribed MPs a paltry 300 quid each to get the constitution changed so you can get re-elected for a third term after 21 years in power. How’s that for an endorsement of corruption?!

Friendometer

My neighbour’s watchman collared me on my way out of the house the other morning with an arresting proposition: would I like to buy any mercury powder, he asked. “Mercury what?” I countered. Powder, he said. He had about 15 grams.

Now even though metrification was easy in a country that never knew ounces, small quantities of powdery substances sold on street corners by strange men tend to draw one’s mind in a certain direction. I have no idea whether mercury powder is the sort of thing you snort through 50,000 shilling notes, or whether it has more reputable uses, but I promised to ask around for potential clients. He thanked me, and said if he did well with the powder he would move on to mercury liquid. Well, good luck to you, mate.

Competition Time – It’s back!

I’m relieved someone is still ‘on the Ball’ (pun fully intended, even though I hate people who attempt to craft cripplingly unfunny puns from the family name). And I’m even more relieved that it’s Suzanna, who’s been pestering me for a point since goodness knows when. But I am incorruptible, and my points can only be earned by legitimate means, as my faithful cousin Eleanor is also seems to be discovering, given her complaint in the comments section.

Well done Suzanna – my arithmetical messiness was due to a desire for prosaic tidiness, but was indeed a deliberate mistake, so the point is heartily awarded.

Charlotte wants a point for spotting a typo, but I made it clear long ago that we’re not about nitpicking here. However, she has found some feature of this website whereby I can have ‘followers’, like some sort of cult leader, so gets a point for such a show of loyalty. But don’t expect me to dole out more for those who follow suit – I’m rewarding the pioneering spirit.

Ben 2
Nigel’s Dad 2
Nigel’s Mum 2
Uncle Simon and the Family Hipps 2
Julia 1
Nigel’s Gran 1
Brother David 1
Volunteer Jo 1
Phil 1
Mr Ibbs 1
Suzanna 1
Charlotte 1